It’s at its worst when I wake up in the middle of the night. When I lay there. Utterly naked. Exposed. The armour gone, leaving me all defenseless and off guard.
Optimism replaced by anxiety. Courage and strength exchanged into suffering, grief and restlessness.
Light
Replaced by darkness
And the oversized bed
The enourmous bed.
It got me by surprise. The fear for fright. Panic for panicking. It’s all I have left. I can’t afford loosing it. My strength and hopefulness have increased cuncurrently with the decomposition of the body. The optimism has triumphed and been the conductor for quite some time. It was the only way.
Characteristics taken for granted in the past, now have become crucial. My weaponry. While my body has fought demons, these mental helpers have been schooled. Trained. They have been given neverending challenges and tasks. They have been confronted, dared and tested for a devilish amount of time. And even so, they have delivered. Each and every time, they have had my back.
It’s my secureness.
My defence.
It’s all I have
If I loose faith, strength. My ability to see the bigger picture. Believing it to fall into places. That it will work out just fine. Trusting the pain to surrender. Confidence in getting better. In being perfectly healthy.
Without faith.
Without hope.
What then?
Then I would be left with nothing. My body taken away from me. What was left, ripped out.
With s1, all power and energy, were completely shattered. Broken.
Spine. Vertebral. Nerves. A life.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t get to work. It’s been 7 months now.
7 months of nightmare.
Lessened to nothing. Reduced to nothing. Upfront torture and pain. Agony disqualifying all sorts of previous known pain. At least, while giving birth, I got a couple of breathers. Moreover, it lasted only a day.
Night and day, the misery throw themselves at me. Without hesitation or any kind of mercy, they attach full- blooded and constantly. Unprovoked, as well.
I need my thoughts clean and proper. The thoughts that are holding my hand. The words stroking my chin.
They are my guardian angels 22 hours a day. Througout 1320 minutes, they are keeping me safe.
However, at night, I pay the price.
Through 120 minutes, they try to break me to pieces.
Through 120 minutes, they try to defeat me.
Eliminate me
Crush me
I feel it.
What if it never works out, they tell me. It could easily fall into collapse, they whisper. The immune system is already degraded. Its warriors, trying their best. Giving it their all. Where chaos rules. Where there’s civil war nobody can win. Can’t you feel the body decompose, they asked. Everything failing. The weakness, and the defect. Don’t you feel it, they ask. They ask, while knowing the answer. Just as they know I do.
The body crumples in pain
Body and soul screaming
The body wants to cry
The mind wants to cry
But there’s no energy left
And no providers
So the body resign
It crumples and twists. Fights the pain without cry.
Then, I see myself.
Alone, in an oversized bed.
Twisting and turning.
Skin and bone.
All worn out.
The painkillers at the nightstand.
So far away.
Demanding such strength. Arms. Legs. Back.
I decide to try as soon as the storm has weakened.
When the storm has weakened, I’m giving it a go.
But as the storm weakens, I’m completely shattered. Devoured. Submissive, passive and detached.
I breathe
Breathe
I can feel that I’m breathing
And then the storms reappear, dragging me along.
My body shaking
All pain
Eyes disappearing
They protect themselves from seeing
I whine
Whimper
And then I disappear
I’m sitting on the bed, comforting
The one laying there, struggling
The one struggling, I’m comforting
I see the rolling eyes
I see the mouth gasping for air
I see skin full of wounds
Pillow covered with hair
Nails short and cracked
Ears screaming out in pain
Mouth filled with blisters
I see ache, twitch and shivering
And then I see skinny hands seeking together. Intertwine.
And then she sees me.
She looks directly at me.
She can tell by my look
Sympathy, compassion
Love
Despair, desperation
Fear
And then
Without any strength, she cries
The body will twist, yet again
Body tense
Face wet and cold
She cries, trembles and shiver
She’s mumbling
As in a prair
At last, she fell asleep
Ravaged and battered, she fell asleep
Naked and exposed
Unmasked
In an oversized bed
And a room filled with darkness.