Strictly speaking, you really should get a booklet. I`m thinking something like “Re-entering society”, “Grocery shopping for beginners” and yes, while we`re at it. Why not “Love in the Time of Corona”! I mean, there is so much new to learn. There`s a whole new set of rules.
Today I was `out and about` after three weeks of self-isolation. It might not sound like a lot, but apart from my 90-minutes-long shopping trip at the local shopping mall, some three weeks ago, we`re talking five in total. And evidently, that`s a whole lot more.
It was after having spent six days in PJ`s, and eleven in glasses, that I fully understood it was time to go out. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands, borrow a car and shop my own goods. Therefore, slightly euphoric, I wrote a shopping list, which was divided into three squares, – and which said;
Rema: Milk, oatmeal, blue bread, honey, carrots, avocado, tomato puree, pizza powder mix, cheese ordinary, cheese Julie, coffee milk x 3, minced chicken, nail polish remover? plain flour, flour Julie, bread Julie, crisps golden one, Coke, magazine?
Europris: rabbit hay, hangers – nail polish remover?
Clas Ohlson: Light bulb, oval ish clothes hanger. Disposable gloves?
At first glance, it may not look like your average life-depends-on-it -mission, but it sure felt good! And definitely, an opportunity to shine! So, with black skinny jeans, stylish coat and red lips, I swapped kids for car with my ex, and got ready for the Adventure of the Week. First stop: Europris!
It didn’t take long to realize that this shopping trip was going to be something out of the ordinary. Cause, the first thing that happened as I turned the car around the corner, was that I had to maneuver around these two, young girls. They were dressed in red boiler-suits, which meant they were out celebrating “Russetiden”, last semester of college. They literally were laughing their eyes out and they walked sideways, the entire street! Clearly, the party had never really stopped, and their levels were sky-high. Usually, I`m all for celebrations in life (both formal and the informal), but without any warning, I started lashing out inside of my car. “Seriously?!! Sick!! “. Then, ten feet further up; “Seriously though, celebrating now!!! Fucking retards!!”. As soon as my outburst had stopped, I was left feeling completely startled. Not only by the young girls` desperate needs, but me as this Moral Compass. Anyway, I didn`t let it get to me, so as soon as I had passed the catering on the corner, the music was back on track and my mood was impeccable.
When I finally found a parking space that felt far enough away, I cautiously stepped towards the entrance. So slower, so I could read the handwritten sign – before the glass went up. Okey! Don’t sneeze. Don’t cough. Good distance. What more? Yes! Distance in cash register. No problem! And off I went.
This is where my pulse first began to increase. Well, I guess that`s not entirely true. I got a higher heart rate already, out there. This had to do with parking-arrangements. Obviously. You touch mine – I touch yours -kind of a thing. It was stressful. I also felt quite stressful when I realized that my gloves would be worn up here. In the absence of disposable gloves, I had dressed in cognac-colored leather gloves, from my time, working at Morris, but they had to be thrown, right after this! I mean, just for a night or so. At the bottom of the car – until all of the virus had disappeared. One errand, and my gloves would have outplayed their part for today. I should have started at Clas Ohlson, of course! Where I was going to buy the disposables! How silly!
My journey further into the store, didn`t go much better. I got anxious every time I saw people, and I was practically panicking when they came on the same shelf. That was new. I didn’t say anything rude, or anything. I didn’t even look at them with an angry face, – but there might have been some nasty thoughts. And this little kid totally freaked me out! He ran around like a madman – coughing, snotty-nosed and the whole lot. I couldn`t help but feel that his mother was a bit too free- spirited, in there. But clearly, the kid cannot be blamed, so all I focused on, was avoiding him, and getting out as soon as I possibly could.
At Clas Ohlson, there were struggles as well, and in addition there were sooooo many men…! Men looking at light bulbs. Men looking at boxes. Jesus. There were men everywhere I turned! And then, I`ll admit, it`s not particularly easy to focus! And I don`t know about them, but for me, it turns out a bit sick. DON`T YOU LOOK, OKAY? YOU LISTEN! DON`T YOU LOOK AT ME! AND DON`T TOUCH! OKAY? YOU PROMISE? DO NOT TOUCH! Seriously, though, all you want to do then, is touch! You just wanna drag them to the nearest shelf, and assault them, – in bright spotlight! But I didn`t, of course. I restrained myself! I don`t want to catch Corona.
And so, it continued. I was scared of people, but not so scared of men. This is how you get though, after being locked up, for too long. It`s not a pretty sight and I am fully aware. The grocery shopping wasn`t a walk in the park either, – and there, they even went in pairs! But I saw them. Oh, yes! Even with their wives walking by their side, I saw them. You feel them. Their hungry eyes. I was getting so aroused by the whole thing. I felt seductive and steamingly hot. So, every once and a while, I stopped. I stopped and put my lipstick on, with my rubber glove. Slowly. And gently. For them to see.
As you might reckon, I was totally exhausted when I got home. I was antibacterialized, soilified and totally out of breath. I`m guessing I`m not the only one holding one`s breath while running errands now! It came naturally, and that’s really beautiful. Everything will be fine! It really will! But I should probably do an online date soon. Stalk a guy. Start fantasizing. You never know, you know. It can last for a while (and a girl`s gotta eat).