First and foremost, thank you for choosing to refer to me as “dear Julie”. I assume that you have some kind of research claiming that we, customers, become more compliant, if you refer to us in a semi-loving way. Maybe you also have research that shows that single people are referred to as “dear” somewhat less often than we strictly would like, and that this therefore hits us as a customer group, extra hard. So, thank you for that. And although I haven`t quite made up my mind whether I like the use or not, I do like the fact that you have renewed yourselves.
After all, it did get a bit tiresome to receive phone calls at 9 pm in the evening (at our most vulnerable), starting like; “Hey Julie! What’s going on tonight? Is it Netflix and chill? “. Each time my heart would stop for a couple of seconds and I would look at my cell phone for clues – but no. None. All there was was a 22 number. Barely. So, what you had to do then, was racking your brains, trying to remember who still lived in Oslo, – and who could still have it in them, checking things up, on a Friday night. And so my thoughts raced until this Martin or Marius (I think John and Jack are mostly used in e-mail exchange) suggested I had a small consumer loan, so I could “finally get rid of some projects”. And, of course, the interest rate would be low. Well under 60. And the good news, Martin said, was that I didn`t need to concern myself (or my pretty, little head, was it?) too much about paying back. If I could manage 20 pounds a month, they`d be beyond pleased.
Marius, Martin or whoever-you-are (I have a feeling traditional, Norwegian names also constituted some “findings” in this research base of yours, but what do I know? Maybe I’m just being judgmental); of course, I want to finish my projects! You are right! Talk about reading someone else`s mind! And you know what? Not only do I want to complete projects – which can be difficult enough, with toddlers all around. What I REALLY WANT, is giving the job to others. To people who will actually get the job done. Because I do want to get my bedroom painted! You are right!! You are dead right! I want to paint the last two walls, as well. I really do! And I want to hire a contractor. A real firm, that pays taxes and all. Who does four coats of paint, -and polishes first. “Because I want it to be nice, don`t I?!”. 600 pounds for the painter, and with you, my dear Martin, who is so kind and lends it out. Then, my bedroom will be all sorted out, for just under a thousand pounds. Not bad at all!
But then there`s you, dearest John Johnsen. Course I wanna be a tourist in my own country! You are right! It`s been a challenging spring, and it would have been nice to unwind for a second. You have no idea. But even I know that a five-star hotel, in northern Norway, isn`t quite what I should prioritize now. Even with a spa department for mom! Even with a kidz- club for the youngest! Actually, I’m a bit disappointed, John. If you really needed me, you should have done this. You should have called at 9 pm, – and you should have said; “Isn’t it tough being all alone? Julie, dear. Haven`t you struggled enough? Haven`t you deserved a free pass already? Being able to take care of you! Some relaxation and quality- time with your children. Being able to take them to London. Hamley`s and Big Ben!”. Yes, John, I`d say. You are right, John, I`d say. That`s exactly what I want. And to get me going, you should definitively mention Tinder. We both know, you know.
“I mean. For how long have you not been on Tinder now, Julie?! Julie, dear. Aren`t you fed up? Wouldn`t it be nice meeting someone in real life? Who knows?! Maybe it’s your turn meeting someone on a plane now!”. That stuff! It`s stuff like that, I`d fall for! Forget walls and paint! Who gives a fuck if the bedroom lacks red! I want vacation! I want tax-free and huge shopping- malls!
So, let`s see then.
Next move is yours.