“I’m thinking, perhaps…Perhaps, you `re kind of… eating them alive. Just for a bit”.
I wasn`t sure whether you could eat someone up, a bit. Alive and all.
I was born honest. Direct. Fearless. Driven by emotions. As an adult, I was given more temper, and throughout the years, I had become less patient. As long- term single, I had become less patient than ever before, and let’s admit it; slightly doubtful, paranoid and somewhat pissed. To take it as far as bitter would probably be an exaggeration. However, it was a legitimate question to raise. I was definitively annoyed with the ones who had taken up too much of my time. Absolutely. Probably, I`d been hurt one to many times. This was clearly a delicate mix, with the potential to make real mess. Anyway, to tell me I ingested them, sounded a bit excessively.
The statement coming from the guy I`d been dating for a while, made it difficult to dismiss immediately. If he was my fortune cookie, so to speak, he was worth listening to. I certainly wouldn`t let my pride get in the way, if he had all the answers to my hassled love- life.
So come on! Let the man speak!
He told me I was the kind of girl that really opened up. You know. To give of one`s self. Which was a good thing, he proclaimed. I made him feel as the king of the world, due to compliments and praise. Which was nice, he said. I became so energetic, bit of a cheeky monkey and was showing real happiness and joy, all the time. Which was really sweet, he said. I don`t really know how he explained the part with the chewing, but he told me it was an emotional thing. The two of us, for instance, were not together all that much. There were actual distance, children and so on. From a practical point of view, it wasn`t possible. However, he knew that, despite of the distance, I had my life, my hobbies. Things I wanted to do. He told me I never gave the impression that I was depending on him completely to make my life worth living. That I was prepared to spend every waking hour with him. My everything. No, he knew that. This was only an emotional thing, he continued.
“What I`m thinking, I mean, is…Well, emotionally, I guess you kind of bolt them down…”
Well, then. I devour men. Okey, sure, if you say so. I could only assume I do this in bits. One after another, but all the time. Of course, this is only me speculating. I guess I was so taken aback I didn`t really get to comprehend it all. Nonetheless, I think it was good enough. I got the message. Loud and clear. I surely couldn`t misunderstand this, even if I wanted to. In the end, I`m thinking, it`s better knowing now. It must be better getting bit of a shock in the mid 30s, compared to mid 80s. At least, there`s still time.
I must admit. They feeling love and fireworks as a real chew in the head, for me, wasn`t completely obvious. It really wasn`t. Knewing this, I probably wouldn`t do it in the first place. Blood and gudder isn`t great. That`s just not what you`re aiming for. That I am slowly killing their spirit, their soul, day by day, is neither on top of my wishlist. Embarassing enough, I really thought they liked it. Worse, I thought they found it sweet. This was not the reason why I did it, though. The truth was, I couldn`t help myself. That was the ugly truth. When I fell in love, I became the opposite of paranoid and pissed. I was estatic, wild and free. I dressed up, cleaned up, tidied, cooked and made plans. I really thought he was amazing, and I only told him a quarter out of the times I really felt it. Even I knew I couldn`t overload him with compliments. Then it barely would make an impression. But I guess he knew. It wasn`t hard to tell. I wasn`t hard to read. Telling him he had to kiss my quickly, to shut me up from proposing, probably didn`t help either. It shouldn’t mean all that much, though, since taking place under love- making. Under those circumstances you are under some sort of spell. I knew first hand. A guy once told me he loved me, when making love for the very first time. It think it surprised the both of us, but we managed just fine. We laughed for a bit, and kissed even harder. These things could easily throw you off guard, and the words being pronounced are not neccessarily words you would like to be associated with later on. And I did giggle. In addition, he knew I suffered from mouth diarrhea, so he kind of knew what he was up against. He should have known better. As a grown man, he`d better handle it.
To tell the truth, this was tiring and utterly dull. I thought the advantage of being an adult, was getting more confidence, and self- esteem. For better and worse, you didn`t give a shit. I was living life through the sink or swim- principle. Carry or burst. Speaking for myself, I hated playing games. I hated keeping it all within. It was impossible, actually. This was hardly my first relationship, and I had experienced, in the past, a two- ways of baring emotions. A relationship where neither of us managed to maintain any sort of controll, emotionally speaking. We fully displayed how extraordinary we looked upon us as an item. How wonderful we thought the other one was. Nothing was kept inside, and it was wearingly delightful!
With that said, I took his statement, or concern, seriously. This “eating men for breakfast” issue, that is. There were hardly any alternatives. Time passed quickly. If I was rubbish at seducing, it was better to establish it sooner than later.
Now I`m planning on getting further details. I`ll date this fella a bit longer. Make him “namedrop” which triggerspoints there are. Scuttling cliffs might seem extravagant. Running towards him, when visiting, should be re- considered. There might even be an end to applauding his looks whilst picking a fight. I guess I should drop telling him he`s the ultimate lover altogether.
Because, let`s face it. You don`t want a terrified Casanova on your hands.