Okey, then. Drag and fetal position. Maybe not the most obvious choice, but it`s funny how life takes you places you would never foresee. I guess it`s an advantage not knowing. On the other hand it`s nice to see what`s being said about people and their ability to adjust, actually fits. To even consider dating in this state of mind, is outrageous. At least uncommon. Even I got a bit surprised. But then again, I`m left wondering. I tend to shift between enthusiasm and anguish. I realize this is controversial, even among my loved ones, who know me well. However, when I decide on something, that`s usually how it plays out. Nothing can stop me. No one can stop me. While there is life, there is hope.
It may sound dramatic. As if it was a matter of life and death. And yes. In some ways it really is. At least it is about life. My life. I want a goddamn husband! How hard can it be? I sure ain`t gonna let some back- prolapse get in my way. That`s for sure. The project is still on. Pull up your sleeves, and get ready for some dirty work. We haven`t reached the finishing- line yet.
I have missed out on a few dates already. I know that. Clearly, that`s difficult to accept, but I had no choice. The first couple of months I was completely taken aback by the whole thing. For most part, I had lost the ability to walk. My life changed dramatically from one day to the next. Oddly enough, Tinder was almost forgotten. I had to get used to the pain, and the agony. In addition, my limits were challenged profoundly. The transformation was quite the ordeal, to be honest. In many ways, it was like extending the family. The dynamic changed entirely. Also, we had to come to terms with the fact that we were now four, not three. It was me, my two children. And, above all, the back.
At a certain point, however, I decided. It was beyond game time. The back didn`t seem to collaborate anyhow, so why not make the most out of the latency? So I went for it. Soon, I was swiping like a maniac. Mostly to the left, of course, and every once and a while, to the right.
Then suddenly, he was there.
I made the decision within four seconds. As soon as I had read his profile- text, I was smitten. I knew right away which way he was going. And let me tell you. This was far from the usual «Well-maybe- rightswipe”. This was “No- doubt- in- my- mind- rightswipe”. This was the kind of rightswipe were you got terrified whether your finger would mess up completely. So what you did was giving your finger a long stare, while instructing distinctly; This finger must now go to the right, brain. Nice and steadily, to the right, brain. Not to the left, silly. Oooonly to the right, brain. Thankfully, it succeeded.
And, oh my! It turned out to be a match.
We found it necessary to postpone the date until Christmas was over, but finally, the day has come! I don`t remember the last time I was this excited. I`m not nervous at all, and that almost makes me nervous. Shouldn`t I be supposed to feel, at least, a bit nervous? Truly enough, I had never been the nervous type, but this felt so much more important. This was different. This was different altogether. Now, I am only looking forward to the date. It doesn`t feel at all tiresome. Not the slightest bit boring. In fact, I don`t even consider him a stranger. Something about him feels so familiar. Yes, that`s it, I thought, the very first time I saw his picture. It was so peculiar. Instantly, I could feel something happening inside. A physical thing. He felt so natural to me. Something was awakened deep inside. Like the cliché tells us; it was like I knew him already. His eyes. How it fitted together. His words. His looks. I felt it, even though it was through a screen.
I felt it, even if we were miles apart.
Understandably, a single back couldn`t prevent me from this. The pain has been ruthless for such a long time, that my true existence now depends on green and yellow painkillers. I`ve never been the one that turns to such, at every given opportunity, but I`ve been needed to leave behind some old principles.
The last couple of weeks, I`ve been popping pills like an addict. Apart from the joyous intoxication. One pill for managing the long walk to the toilet. One pill for flushing down. The powder content has only contributed to pain relief. Although, not very successfully.
At the end of the day, my breathing has done the hard work. And the irrepressible human nature. Surely, I could have swallowed the whole jar without the pain disappearing. That`s also why I have abstained from doing so. However, when the children have stayed with their father, I have been regaling myself some more. As already mentioned, the pills don`t provide much, so don`t judge anyone for getting desperate.
I have found my own cure. Against all common sense, naturally. I`ve started drinking. Well, that might be an exaggeration, but yes. I have turned to the bottle. At least when I`m the only one home. And of course; on date- nights.
So here I am. Popping wine and pills. In a dress. In fetal position. It might struck you as slightly morbid, if you don`t know the whole picture. On that account, please follow me.
Is it that important to meet someone, you might ask. Is it so essential having a boyfriend? Is it indeed a human right, you think? Don`t you have enough already? Are you in such a desperate need of a man? Can`t you manage on your own? No, no, no. You have misunderstood completely.
That`s not it. It`s important to find true love. That, I`ll admit. That`s important. That would be a dream come true. I have been fortunate enough to have experienced something similar before, and once you have, you are not the same person anymore.
You become quite the adrenalin junkie, chasing the next high. You cannot settle for anything less than grand. From now on, only spectacular exists in your vocabulary. No walk in the park. You want to throw yourself off a cliff. You want to fly off. Arms and legs. You want the adrenalin- rush. You wanna stop breathing. You wanna feel alive. You want to love with all of your heart. You want the breathtaking love. You only seek the consuming love.
And you want it to last. You don`t want the passion and the crush. You don`t want to fall in and out of love. You want true love. The monumental one. The one that changes everything. The one that stays forever.
You know it`s out there somewhere, so you never stop looking.
That`s it then. There`s no question about it. You find yourself in fetal position all day long. You calculate your strength, and your strength is being pre- portioned. You don`t know whether the date will turn out to be a success, but you want fully- shaved legs, regardless.
If it actually turns out to be a success, he`s still not going to see the upstairs. You know that. Although, you (have it) tidied anyway. You wash your hair, hair mask too. Shave some more. The ones you reach. Everything takes place while sitting down. Nowadays, you always sit down when you`re showering. Your body can`t stand up properly anymore. You blow-dry your hair, sitting down. You fix your hair, sitting down. You don`t see the mirror anymore, but you manage just fine.
You polish your nails. Then you paint them. Now you`re in the fetal position again, obviously. You put on a dress, even though you`re convinced you won`t be able to. With the help of god, through, you manage somehow.
Afterwards, you`re laying down flat on the floor, in an octopus- like- position. In order to put on some stockings. And then you laugh. You laugh because you realize you`re a bit of a nutcase. People would probably pay loads of money to avoid a situation like this, but you, on the other hand. You have done this voluntarily. You definitely wonder whether this is normal, but then again, you remind yourself of this Bethlehem- star. Shining so bright. After that, the motivation is flying high. You turn up the volume and sing along to your favourite music. You sing, and then you laugh again. With all of your strength.
That specific hour.
You are all dressed up at one. He`s arriving at seven. You have plenty of time for music then. Quite a few layers of nail-polish, too. As always, everything takes place in the fetal position. That`s the only way. Everything else is torture. You rely on the cushions to treat you well, but clearly, you save two for him. There`s almost like a castle in the sofa now, but in the corner there are two especially waiting for him. One for his back. One to sit on.
Perfect surroundings.
Earlier today, I got a visit from my mum/aunt/sister/friend. I am leaving you a few alternatives, since she`s not being portrayed all picture perfect. Anyhow, she stopped by, and got a bit worried, I guess. That was when I was behaving like a shrimp without water, flat on the floor.
In retrospect, I should have put on my stockings in my bedroom. Behind closed doors. However, the music was downstairs, and it seemed only natural. Like most of my guests, especially at this point of my life (back and all), she walked right in. Right into the shrimp herself. I am quite grateful that I scheduled the milkman the previous day. If he had stepped into this, I really don`t know how he would react. I could possibly have lost all future deliveries. I could have been blacklisted for life. You don`t want that. Particularly not when you can`t do your grocery- shopping yourself.
With everything taken into consideration, this played out quite well. It was someone from the inner circle (the milkman sort of is, but never mind). She got a bit of a shock, obviously, and needed a good explanation. Naturally, I gave it to her, but as I was moaning and whining rapidly throughout the presentation, she looked at me seriously and said, “Are you really going to get through with it, in that state of mind?”.
I felt obligated to tell her about my new recipe, all bottled up, in the kitchen. From what I could see, she wasn`t entirely reassured. So, as the close “ally” she is, she called the emergency room. Surely enough, I had done some research about drug use when dating, prior to this. A real minefield, by the way. However, my research limited to some old posts at doctoronline and womenshealthmag, and my female friend wasn`t impressed. On the contrary, she was crystal clear about wanting a professional`s point of view, and pulled out her phone.
Most definitely, this is a call you would never imagine taking. Probably not a conversation you would ever foresee witnessing either. I guess there`s no clean cut way of asking these sorts of questions. The ones related to mixing pills with alcohol. Asked directly to health personnel. If you mention the big event (or the emergency, so to speak), the upcoming date, it might result in disgust and hatred. However, the recipients are most likely to react with disbelief or some kind of apathy.
Our counterpart, in our case, answered with some sort of perplexity, because all she managed to say was that it wasn`t “recommended”. Supposedly, she didn`t comment on the dating, but she said that I shouldn`t drink a whole lot. That was a reasonable thing to say. Clearly, she took her job seriously. On a first date, there were many supportive reasons why you shouldn`t drink a lot. Needless to say, I wasn`t going there. I just wanted to stay clear of the pain. I didn`t want to risk anything. It`s not given that he finds outcry, whining and yelling particularly sexy.
With pills and wine, more or less on prescription, I enjoy my drink more than ever. My friend, or ally, went home at three. She wanted to make sure I had enough time to do my makeup. I`ve done that for two whole hours now. I`m going to spend the remaining hours eating peanuts and “pump it (me) up” with music. Getting into the right mood. Feeling alive.
And, yeah. With two full hours, looking into your makeup- bag, it sure gets colourful. Because of my “condition” I haven`t spent a lot of time in the sun, so my face was in desperate need of some colour. With porcelain- white skin, it felt nice with some red. A bit red here. A bit red there. Suddenly, it was a lot of red going on, so I tried to remove some of it. But it was stuck, somehow. There`s not much glow left in my face, so I guess the red kind of disappeared into my facial pores. And there it is. For weeks probably.
I also made sure to give my eyebrows a real makeover. You can see them from miles away, but they have the most perfect shape. You wouldn`t believe it. I admit they turned out darker than I would normally go for, but I have everything under control. I`ll turn off the lights the second he arrives. No problem there.
I also wanted “Smokey eyes” for tonight. I did that for about 50 minutes, and it turned out to be the best ever. I have straightened my hair, and I have giant ear- rings. It`s really nice to get to wear it all again. Rings. Bracelets. I spark, all over the place. There`s glitter, shimmer and shine all around the sofa. But on a serious note. It`s important I look my best. After all, it`s date- night.
I got a bit paranoid earlier. I went to the toilet, and got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was so startled, and let out a sudden scream. I thought it was someone else. I haven`t put on a lot of makeup the last couple of weeks, and now it looked like it was drag- night too. However, thinking of it, they are very sensual, so now I`m fine with it. All it took was some getting used to. Like everything else in life.
In addition, I went for boobs. Big boobs. Bra without content. The pain has made me thinner, and boobs and thighs went along with it. Nevertheless, with the perfect dress on, nobody can see that the bra is empty. It looks good, and that`s the most important thing.
All that is left is turning up the volume. Your favourite music. Some candle- light. I really can`t wait. I think we`ll enjoy ourselves. At least I have been given the chance to wear a dress again, and that`s nice. Moreover, Indian food is never wrong. He`s getting it, on his way over. I kind of panicked when I heard that my local Indian didn`t do takeaway with delivery anymore. So I decided to ask him. He was a real gentleman about it. He said it was his honour. I found that really sweet. He knows of course, that I can`t walk. Nor stand up. Nor sit. He knows that. That`s probably why he wanted to help. Although, I didn`t reveal the ugly details. I just told him my back suddenly had locked up. I didn`t elaborate on the fact that it had lasted for three months. I didn`t feel the need to share that it probably would last at least six more months. However, I wasn`t lying. He knew just enough. That`s why we went for the stay- at- home- date- concept, too. It would be weird if he had to carry me in and out of restaurants.
Undeniably, it must be better with drag, in fetal position.