I barely know where to begin. It took me a while to absorb everything, but finally I made it to bed at least. I`m not sure whether I`ll get any sleep, though. I`m still shaky, and my mind is preoccupied with thoughts.
What just happened right now?
Let`s rewind
He arrived, as advertised, at seven. Well, actually, he called first. He took me by surprise, as I figured it was too soon to ask for road directions, at that point. I`d taken it for granted, that he would find the highway, and it turned out I was right in doing so. He announced ceremoniously that he was on his way. On schedule, even. Nonetheless, he sounded a bit stressed out. Nervous, maybe. Then, after what only seemed like verbal bypasses, he finally popped the question. How tall was I? He wondered how tall I was. Immediately, I pictured him worrying, all the way over, and I couldn`t help but laugh. This probably wasn`t the reaction he expected. However, after a moment or two he managed to compose himself, and started laughing himself.
We hung up, and all I could do was smile. Honestly, I found his question really sweet. It said it all. I realized, however, that this would probably differ from person to person. Some people would definitely regard it rude to ask questions like that. After all, it was a question related to my appearance, some way or the other. Also, it was undeniably late to raise those kinds of concerns now. So what was it, then? Had he not made up his mind? Had he gotten cold feet? Did he think I looked long and scrawny? Was that it? Maybe he regretted it all. Maybe he wanted to turn the car around.
Prick
But, no. I didn`t think anything like that. On the contrary, I found it quite charming that he had been worrying. In fact, I found it hands on adorable that a grown man, in a car somewhere, was worried sick before our little meet- up. I was the reason why a grown man was nervous. A grown man. He was feeling anxious based on feet and inches, right before the date. Not only had he worried. He had worried so much that he found it necessary to call. It`s probably safe to say that he hadn`t reflected a great deal upon how it would all seem. How absurd and corny it really sounded. More, I guess he didn`t consider really, how much this actually revealed. If he would ever hope for a bad boy- image after this, it could turn out to be quite the challenge. In addition, I doubted whether he had really thought this through. What would he say if I were to confirm his worst fears?
“Well, I`m actually 6`3. We`re probably a bit over the average. It goes way back, you see. It`s on my mother`s side of the family. But, yeah…You have my address, don`t you?”
It was extremely tempting answering like that. In fact, it was tremendously difficult not to. However, I pulled through, and did my best in taking him seriously. Make up for laughing the first time around. Therefore, I informed him solemnly about my 5`8, from top to bottom, and he seemed relieved at once.
He sure used his time out in the driveway, and I worried if he would turn around. Again, so to speak. Then instantly, I remembered that we had changed cuisine, and that his car in all likelihood was filled up with tapas dishes. And suddenly, I spotted him. Behind a pile of white styrofoam-boxes. He had piled them on top of each other, which made them look like a fragile tower. Only his dark hair was visible, and his clothes. He had definitely dressed up. He was wearing a beautiful, dark, wool coat. Dress pants and leather gloves. When he came closer, I could see that his hair looked perfectly groomed, too. All this effort, just for me, I thought to myself, and fiddled with my earrings as he came closer.
His face lit up and he said hello. Climbed the stairs with all the boxes, and reassured he had everything under control. I got up from my kneeling pose, and gave him a hug. Then, all of a sudden, I became a little hectic myself, grabbed some boxes, and went for the kitchen. In case he followed my movements, I straightened up as best I could, and even tried to wiggle my butt. All done with a top- speed I hadn`t reached for months. The wine was clearly working, and it was clearly doing a thing or two, for the overall mood. So when he said something funny, I laughed my head off, panicked a bit, and recomposed.
With all the boxes neatly organized on the kitchen bench, I turned around. He was standing in the doorway, facing me. He just stood there, and didn`t say a word. I found myself drowning in his eyes, and my mind went blank. I couldn`t find a single thing to say either.
It felt like everything stopped. It felt like an eternity.
There`s a saying; if looks could kill.
What is the opposite?
What is the complete opposite of that?
I could feel my temperature rising. Soon, it felt like I was burning up altogether. I hoped, and prayed even, that I wasn`t showing off too much on the outside. Nonetheless, I felt like a blushing bride on edge. Had I been staring at him for too long? But then again, how didn`t he look at me! I was convinced he could feel how my heart was beating. It felt as though the ticking sound we heard, no longer came from the clock, only my heart. It felt like my beating heart now was fully displayed on the kitchen bench, as a natural, complimentary dish. Did he see it, I wondered. Could he hear it? Had I said anything aloud? Could he hear what I was thinking? Could he tell? Was I that obvious? Was it that obvious? And what was that look all about?
Usually I could keep it together, play it cool, but this took me by surprise. Here, I was thrown into the deep end. It felt like I was being put in a trance, and I could instantly feel someone desperately trying to wake me up. They were kicking and screaming, in order to get my attention. Save my pride, cover me up. But I didn`t want to listen.
I couldn`t.
I wouldn`t.
It`s hard to say how long we stood like this. Glancing at each other. Hearts beating. Naturally, it could have been a matter of seconds, but it sure felt like an eternity. I felt like I was running around the school, naked. 50 times. At 12. Everyone had seen everything. Then suddenly, an avalanche of snow was falling down from the rooftop, and luckily, I regained my composure, and found something to say.
The palms of my hands are still sweaty, and my breathing is strained. I`ve been twisting and turning so much that the sheets are all wrinkled. My legs are insane, and I`ve been forced to turn upside down. My feet have found the pillow, and my head is at the foot end of the bed. My legs are pressing the headboard. Ultimately, they`d prefer to press the entire thing into the wall. Maybe they would escape the restless legs- syndrome, then. My back pays the price while doing this, but I can`t think of anything else to do. Usually, this is the only solution for restless legs, or “floundering legs”, which my friend and I have nicknamed it. When we suffer from floundering, physical resistance is the only way. You need to find solid ground, or else you might lose it. Both my friend, and I, get this quite often. Especially if we have travelled far, walked a lot, and our legs are sore and swollen.
We always get this in London.
I don`t think I `ve ever gotten it from a date before
It is impossible. I might as well give it up. I`m completely drained, but my body is out partying. Everything is on!! There`s disco-light and loud music. There`s cramps, spasms and thoughts all over the place. It`s a mess. And these, particular, thoughts aren`t completely still, either. They just shout it out.
Imagine him in a suit!! He`ll look gorgeous!
Imagine how wonderful it will be!! The honeymoon must last ten days, at the least!!!
You`ll love him forever!!!
You`ll be in love, forever!!!
If you get this one, you`ll make him presumptuously happy!!!
You`ll be the happiest couple on earth!!!
I`m dying to get some sleep. I am exhausted! All the images. My thoughts running wild. There`s no stopping to this.
Him holding a baby. Singing. Kissing. Comforting
Him fixing the car. Oilcan and toolbox. All sweaty
Him in the ladder. Changing lightbulbs
Him waiting outside malls. Worn out, but patient
Him mowing the lawn. Without his shirt on
Me in the sunbed. Sunglasses and magazine
Him running towards me. Suddenly laying there with me. Kissing me so hard, that the magazine needs to be put down
Him making dinner. All home- made
Him doing the dishes. Singing happily
Kissing and hugging. Lovers forever
Us in couples dinners. Holding hands under the table
Us making out at restaurants. Eyes only for each other
Cheering at football- matches. Handball- matches
Children. Bonus children. Grandchildren
Us at the nursing home, staying in the same room
Giggling. Forgetting. Kissing
Crosswords and photos all around
Thinking of it, I want to sleep for a whole week. How can I get up in the morning, and even try to have an okay day? A normal day? How am I supposed to let life continue as before? How am I going to act as normal tomorrow? Almost pretend nothing has happened.
When everything has happened.
We talked as if we had known each other forever. We were giggling and laughing, and I was constantly fiddling with my ear. I couldn`t help myself. However, when I was biting my lips throughout his entire story, it was game over. He knew. He knew I was smitten. Mesmerized. He knew I was swept off my feet. Therefore, possibly unconscious even, he sat down next to me, the next time he came from the bathroom. He was just next to me, but it felt all too distant. All of a sudden, the room changed, it got smaller, and all I could see was he.
There were conversations about childhood. Teenage- years. Education and grades. Nothing felt secondary. Apparently, both of us wanted to know everything. Hours felt like seconds, and soon, I worried he would notice how late it had become. At some point, he did, and he apologized sincerely. However, I wasn`t feeling anything close to offended. Ideally, I would beg him to stay. Tie him up, if I needed to. Although, I realized quickly that that could easily scare him away, so I did the only acceptable thing. Which probably would pay off, in the long term. So what I did was reassuring him everything was fine. I told him I could sleep in tomorrow. I made sure that my consolations were presented somehow laidback and casual, however. By all means I didn`t want it to be downright evident, and crystal- clear, how far from dull this had actually been. With the kitchen- thing in mind, I felt like keeping some information to myself. What was left of it. Just in case.
My back was hurting, after too many hours spent in the same position. Therefore, when I was following him to the door, I ended up in my usual kneeling pose. He bended down to give me a hug, but then, after the hug, he just stayed there. His face close to mine. With a look worth a thousand words.
So I kissed him.
He kissed me back
Goodness gracious, did he kiss me back
A kiss to build a dream on, is the song called. It was just like that. It was like getting the beginning and the end handed out at the exact same time. There were fireworks. It was pure magic.
There were longing, aspiration and confusement
There were love, lust
and conviction
There were violins playing
people gathering
and there were raindrops, too
No longer was it
a kiss
It was
The kiss