Most definitely, it`s a love/hate relationship. The one I`m having with Tinder. However, I don`t want to step on anyone`s toes (God forbid, I might risk my membership by doing so), so let me be more precise. It`s clearly more of a love- relationship. Obviously. At times it even serves as my comfort blanket, and it`s capable of speeding my Search- For-A-Man- Motivation from 0 – 100 in no time. Above all, It`s the app for hope and prospects.
When I first got to know Tinder, many years ago, there were a noticeable more balance involved. The swiping- proceedings were something I could make time for, like reading the newspaper or going through the Zalando- must- haves. Swiping quickly integrated in the everyday life. It didn`t require much effort, and it didn`t necessarily get my full attention. There could be swiping involved while reading the newspaper. Sometimes I would do some swiping while using the toilet. Usually there were a lot of swiping taking place, as dinner was prepared. It would probably even happen while I got the latest news from kindergarten. Unfortunately. Clearly, this made me feel a bit guilty, but I was quick reassuring myself that this was done with the best intentions possibly. This was something I did for the tree of us. I was actually trying to make our life easier, and as soon as I had established that, I felt more at ease. Truly, I was more than entitled to act the way I did. It was literally my duty as a mother to try and pursuit the typical everyday life for my children. The one including two grown- ups, at the least. Then they would be able to see, first hand, how love and relationships looked like in reality. At a certain point I had worried that the only role models they would ever get, regarding these matters, were Disney`s Beauty and the Beast. Surely, that was disturbing. In addition, I had discovered that in most children`s TV- shows, healthy relationships seemed to be lacking. Both the Ninjago- people and the ones in Paw Patrol appears to be more interested in missions and fighting enemies, than paying attention to love- relations. Just wait till the magic disappears and the dog`s gone missing!! Who`s gonna take care of you then?!
So, yes. Tinder has become a significant part of my life. Our life, truth to be told. They just don`t know it yet. I always make sure that I`m changing the screen picture when little ones suddenly turns up from nowhere. If I have time. If I don`t, I usually tell them these are the guys from work. That`s John. There`s Adam. Here we have Lars. And Ali. Fredrik. And the list goes on. Once, my best friend was doing some research at this guy`s Facebook- profile. A guy she had gotten a match with, through Tinder. Yet again, this little fella turned up from nowhere, asking who this man with the massive beard was. Oh that, she answered. That`s Santa. And the little boy sitting on his lap is telling him his wishes for Christmas. That`s one way of doing it. At least, for a couple of years.
Up until now, I have been swiping rather involuntarily. However, for the most part it`s been done in the afternoons, in the evenings and on Sundays. The last one speaks for itself. Most naturally, it applies especially for the Sundays falling under the category “shared custody”. Then you are not only risking the mouse- arm- syndrome, but the mouse- finger- syndrome! You don`t want to go there, but you probably will.
The swiping itself has taken place under proper circumstances, I must say. There have been gentle, calm moves, lying peacefully in the sofa. Blanket. Maybe a café latte to go with it. There would preferably have been some swiping before bedtime, to remind oneself that a new day was waiting. That`s crucial. The heart rate has been low. The mind has been relaxed. Some profiles have made me smile. Others have made me laugh. Then again, some have provoked sincerely, leaving me agitated, angry and in denial. From one extremity to the next, it has also provided a share amount of entertainment and joy. Needless to say, the ritual itself has never been dreaded nor avoided.
Suddenly, something changed severely. I have been swiping hard. Harder than ever before. I mean, physically hard, screen wise. Now and again, my swiping has been so intense (hard) that the app itself has gone black- so to speak. The only solution has been to turn the mobile off and on, which is both boring and rather time consuming. And this is happening to me rapidly. Sometimes I`ve noticed that I’ve been rubbing teeth while swiping… – with eyes shut the entire time. That`s making impression. Even on me. Also, I have been swiping on the treadmill, for an entire song, without worrying if I missed out on anything. Without doubt, that must have been during anger – workout. Luckily, those sorts of workouts don`t happen all that often. Once I was swiping left for such a long time, I was almost panicking whether anyone had taken notice. Oh, look at that old spinster. Only swiping left. Seriously, look at her! No one stands a chance. She`s probably impossible to please, old bat. I could almost hear them laughing their heads off. The 20- something- guys with buffalo necks, considering everything good enough.
I`ve established a new habit. Now, I have started swiping at nights as well. When I wake up, feeling a bit tense. When I realize time passes quickly. When my mind is on edge, behaving like an inexorable, merciless judge. When I`m thinking enough is enough. Then, I swipe like crazy for a good 30 minutes. Intense, hard and rigid. And I won`t deny it! I`ve even started talking to myself! While swiping for life. My outbursts are not necessarily productive or well- mannered either. I guess I`m feeling a bit irritated. A bit crossed. Angry maybe. If a buffalo- guy has done as much as “liked” me, I can get pretty upset. Pissed, actually. Don`t they ever read the text?? For God`s sake. He`s been liking me every second week for the last two years! Isn`t it time to read the Goddamn profile text, then? At least one single time?! I am stating loud and clear that I can`t stand seeing more men wearing close to nothing. I can`t cope seeing more muscles and massive bodies! I`m done with Schwarzenegger- like- bodies! In fact, I never liked them! Not one bit. The last one, however, I keep to myself. After years with frustration, I`m keeping it real, but there`s no need to insult anyone. But, seriously Adam, read the bloody text!! Do you really think showing off your muscles from every possible angle, is what`s going to change my mind? Do you really think that`s what was missing when I was turning you down the previous times? The 53 times! Really, Adam? Really? Safe to say, there are plenty of girls who would love and appreciate a body like that. I`m just not one of them!
So, please, give it up!
Just give it up!
I`ve said a couple of other things as well. There have been some stereotypical words, if I may. They would probably make it to Top 5- quotes, and I apologize in advance. This is language only used under extremely challenging circumstances. A language I disapprove of, in general. Although, before you judge, picture this;
You have been chatting with five, seemingly, descent guys for some time. Let`s say a month. Maybe two. After a while (years even) you have found yourself finding such online conversations quite dull and tiring. In fact, so tiring that you have started copying and pasting almost every written dialogue you are contributing to. You only change names/places/number of children to whomever it may reply to. After chatting for weeks and months, three out of five sends you such a nasty message one night, that you block them immediately. One out of five suddenly stops responding. This leaves you with one man left. At least until he tells you he`s expecting child within a month. Due to this woman he had a brief affair with. He tells you this like he`s telling you about his newly found scuba diving- hobby. Which leads you feeling a bit desensitized. Therefore, in such cases, the language tends to get a bit sharpened.
My Top 5 would often look like this;
- Fuck me
- Fuck me, you didn`t
- What`s happening to the world?
- No way. I can`t do this.
- What would your mother think?!
You sure see a lot, by reading tens of profiles each and every day. Without question, you see a lot of suffering. Heartache. Pain. Even though, there is also a lot of hope and possibilities. That`s important to remind oneself of. You never know when Mr Right might turn up, so you keep on going. You hold on, one profile after another. Some people advertise a faithful girlfriend. Finishing off the sentence by seven exclamation marks. Pretty obvious what went wrong in his last relationship…So yeah, you get full insight in people`s concerns and traumas. More or less. There are quite a few people referring to “education” given by life itself. This is seldom associated with a life led in harmony, let me tell you. But at least, their honest. Then you know what to expect, from the very start. There are also a group of people picturing themselves as shy, and with trust- issues, due to “stuff in their childhood”. Also, very direct and upfront. Some are looking for love. Some are looking for a shag. Overall, you can`t blame people for supressing their intentions, or personality for that matter. And why not? At the minimum, it all gets more effective. Although, there are a few ground rules. To fully survive this jungle, you should be well rested. You should be in balance, at least in general. You shouldn`t have too many on- going battles, and you shouldn`t suffer from severe heartbreak. That`s not ideal. However, you`ll probably do it from time to time, even while knowing this. Only a couple of hours after ending it with someone, you might find yourself swiping like hell. It`s like getting an injection with hope and prospects, mixed thoroughly with proper painkillers. Guaranteed, it will relieve some of the pain, there and then. I know for a fact. Anyhow, with all those profiles, dialogues, relations and shattered dreams, it`s only natural that you break down from time to time. Usually, that`s the case when you`re doing this hard swiping, leaving your fingertip all white.
Within the last year, I`ve noticed a change in my Tinder- habits. There have been activity at the most obscene hours. There have been increasingly more facial expressions, and a lot more verbal communication happening (monologues). If someone were to analyse my logins and logouts, I`m guessing they wouldn`t feel all that reassured. During the darkest hours, there might have been a good 20 logins per hours. Let`s face it, that`s a bit passionate. Looking back, one might ask herself whether that was indeed the appropriate time to call a friend. One`s mother maybe. Perhaps one should have ordered a nice film, just about then, through Apple TV. Chances are maybe emptying that Cheese Doodles would have been the right move then. Cheese Doodles with Diet Coke, and some red wine.
Only imagine all the stories mum can listen to, when she`s gets hold of a man. A man who can cook. A man to mow the lawn. Surely, mum will give you the full attention then. All day long. Imagine him being funny, smart and handsome too! Just picture yourself how cheerful mummy would get. So, just hang on. Mummy just needs to do some swiping. Just imagine what it would be like! Imagine him being lovely and caring as well. Our home would be picture perfect then, wouldn`t it? Kisses in the morning. Kisses in the evening. Before dinner, after dinner. Here, love. There, love. Goodness me, you would get the best role models ever! Mum just needs to swipe a bit more. And look at that! It seems like David from Drammen has sent a message just this second. He`s good- looking, educated and moveable! Nice text, descent pictures. There`s a winner! He even plays the violin! I can`t believe it! I just can`t believe it!
Then that`s how it all turns. When David from Drammen decides to text, and presents hope and prospects to this longing woman, swiping like hell. Suddenly you go from one Top 5, to the complete opposite one. And of course, I`m not interested in finding a man elsewhere now. That would be something! Then, all the swiping would have been a total waste. All the invested hours would have been worthless. There had even been money involved. A membership. So no. I focus on Tinder exclusively. If cute guys try to pick me up at the grocery- store, I quickly avoid eye- contact. To be absolutely certain they`ll leave me alone, I scratch my head for a long, long time. Followed by this little grunt. That usually seals the deal.
Because there`s no doubt in my mind. Tinder and I are meant to be. That`s the way it`s supposed to happen.
Mummy just needs to do some swiping first.